Committed to serving

Story and photos by Giles Clasen

Originally Published in the Denver Voice (August 2023)

Personal growth is a complicated endeavor. It requires self-awareness and effort. Not everyone is willing to take those steps, but Ray isn’t one of those people. He isn’t afraid of what he may find as he digs deeper into his psyche because he has been on a quest for discovery for the past several years.

Mostly, this self-examination process was forced upon him by circumstances, some of it was through personal pursuit – especially after realizing how his choices impacted those he cared about.

Ray has lived on and off the streets throughout his life. Occasionally, he has found an escape from homelessness.

These respites have involved good times, like his marriage. It has also involved his incarceration for drug and theft charges.

“I know I’m a bum,” Ray said. “I look at myself, and I hate myself. I hate who I am and where I’m at. When I take a shower, I take it really quick. I get dressed fast. I can’t look in the mirror. I can’t do this anymore. I say to God, ‘Take me, I’m done.’ I don’t think about it; it just comes out.”

After explaining this, Ray takes a beat and reminds himself that his belief in God means he can’t give in to his emotions, and he can’t give up.

“There are times I want to give up,” Ray said, but when he gets to that point, he remembers that his faith in God gives him something to keep him going. Ray also believes he must persevere to help others. “That is why now I live for other people,” Ray said.

Ray’s service to others comes in many forms. He has developed an incredible capacity for empathy and is considered a counselor for others living in tents and shelters. He will talk nonstop once you get him started. But his real gift is to listen and care for others. That gift has earned him the moniker “The Counselor,” among many on the street.

“I’m a strong person. I want to keep going. I want to give to people – to my friends, and my family, to others who have less than me. I want to help them,” Ray said.

“The people on the street, they love me because I help them,” Ray said. “I’m honest, and I’m genuine. People ask me ‘Where did you come from?’ I say, ‘I’m here for the work of the Lord.’”

Ray’s commitment to faith and service is a big change from who he once was. He came from an abusive home.

When Ray was a child, his father, who was never around, died in prison. Ray’s mother, whom he described as a gangster and drug dealer, abandoned him when he was five years old. He was left alone in a house for over a week. He tried to start a fire to cook something, but the fire raged out of control and burned down the house. Ray was saved by firefighters and was then placed in foster care.

After years in a group home, Ray was placed back in the care of his mother. He wasn’t with her for more than a month before he ran away and was returned to foster care.

“I didn’t know how to love [my mother]. She didn’t know how to love me, either,” Ray said. “I found a family in foster care.” 

Through it all, Ray remained steadfast. He learned to drive a semi-truck, got married, and did his best to piece together his own version of a happy life.

Ray never learned to be “normal” though. That was partly because he never had the support to understand how to build stability. He was very much a slave to his desires and emotions.

“I have never felt love in my life,” Ray said. “The love you get from your mom and dad, I never got that. Where do you learn love, if not from your mom and dad, when you’re young?”

Ray doesn’t blame others for where he has ended up. He is pensive and thinks frequently about what he has missed out on, and how he can thrive despite that.

“In prison, I didn’t get one letter. No one cared enough about me to send me even one letter,” Ray said. “That was a wake-up call. I decided if I was going to connect with others I had to learn to love myself. So, I started trying.”

When Ray got out of prison, he tried to repair his relationship with his wife.

“I was abusive. I never hit her, and I never yelled at her or called her names,” Ray said. “But I was selfish and I stayed out all night and slept with anyone I wanted. It was abusive behavior, in my mind.”

His wife died of a fentanyl overdose before they really had a chance to mend their relationship.

Credit: Giles Clasen

Ray was able to reconnect with his mother before she died of Cirrhosis. According to Ray, his mother’s doctor had told her she had less than a year to live, but she went on to live for many more years.

Ray said it was during his time in prison and also while he was living on the streets that he learned to care for others. Today, Ray aims to live in service to others, even as he hustles to find a way off the streets.

Recently, Ray talked a stranger into lending him a lawn mower, so he could mow lawns to make a few bucks. Once he got the machine, Ray went door to door and explained his situation to those who answered. He offered to mow people’s lawns for whatever amount of money they were comfortable paying. And if the person couldn’t pay, he cut their lawn for free.

“Sometimes people need a little help,” said Ray. “If I can cut their lawn and help them when they have nothing to pay – well, that is enough for me,” he added.

Ray watches out for his friends and others experiencing homelessness. He listens to them and shares what insight or helpful opinions he has.

Ray is tired of the ever presence of drugs. He said he knows people only turn to drugs as an escape from their misery, but he has seen too many individuals die from drugs.

Ray carries Narcan with him, and he has used it on several occasions to revive individuals who overdosed. He wants to help heal people’s bodies and spirits, and he is willing to do whatever is necessary for them. So, he tries to always be prepared for anything the streets may throw at him.

“I think the Lord is with me,” Ray said. “I’ve had people treat me like a dog. But God, he’s been with me. I am trying to surrender to him. That’s the path. The only thing I can do is to try and to serve others.”